Today, let me share with you something very personal, disguised under sweetness and sugar-coating. My kids say that I have a multiple personality disorder and it’s not a joke when they say that. They say other things about my sanity, but that will be for another time. (!!!)
With that in mind, you won’t be surprise if I talk about the little 4-year-old that takes over my body and mind when I get bored, or there is a rush of emotion that I try to avoid.
I want cake! I will shout in the house, wandering like a lost soul, not talking to anyone in particular; opening cupboards, drawers and closets in search of anything that would resemble cake. Or I will just say: Chocolate? With my little fake Italian accent. In those moments, whatever my kids ask for, I only answer with: Do you have cake? Chocolate? (Now you understand why my kids would question my sanity.) Those moments can be funny. I really get into character and act like a sweet 4-year-old.
I don’t always eat cake (or cookies or chocolate or candy) for that matter, in those occasions. I don’t get cranky or mean, and it doesn’t last long. I don’t indulge. Except if one of my daughter sense that the storm underneath needs drastic measure, she will get me something.
I have learned to be with the 4-year-old inside of me, to give her space. Now as an adult, I chose to take care of her, to protect her and feed her cake and chocolate, and also, letting her have “her moment” once in a while.
This little girl witnessed her mother going into a psychosis. She hid in her closet, singning to her dolls some sweet lullabies to calm them. If the best thing I can do today is feed her sweets when she feels afraid and alone, so be it.
I also discovered that my muse feeds on those little chocolate cakes with fudge in it. Inspiration just flows… You should try them!
With great respect!
I have been to many places searching for myself. But the greatest journey of all is the one I started within myself. There lies the most beautiful light, music and colours one can expect.
Welcome within, with great respect and love! A.