I had an awful week… emotionally. I am so used to suck it up until it goes away, that I thought I would be able to go on like always.
It’s not like before. It will never be like before. My dad is not there anymore. And this pain I can’t seem to suck up until it vanishes.
I had an awful week. But today was the toughest. I didn’t cry. My heart wasn’t heavy. I just sat down to write. I had to dig deep to find the continuous flow of words. For the first time ever, I was block by this idea that I wanted to write something worthwhile, that would make my father proud. Everything I wrote today was like piles and piles of mud-pie. Even though they are fun to make when you’re a kid — building castle or creating bountiful banquet — it s still dirt and water.
But I kept on writing… because it’s the only thing that gave me a sense of peace today. That helped soothe the recurring feeling of loss.
Before today, I had forgotten that what makes me able to suck it up and move on is writing. And actually right now, I don’t want to avoid the pain, just be with it and write.
Write until there is only love and light and the sweet smile of my father.
With great respect!